Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
' What the Hell was I thinking '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you..
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Humor: Where is GOD?
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
PLEASE DON'T LAUGH ALONE. PASS IT ON!
Where Is God?: Finding His Presence, Purpose and Power in Difficult Times
Where Is God When It Hurts?
Where Is God?: Earthquake, Terrorism, Barbarity, And Hope
Where is God?
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
PLEASE DON'T LAUGH ALONE. PASS IT ON!
Where Is God?: Finding His Presence, Purpose and Power in Difficult Times
Where Is God When It Hurts?
Where Is God?: Earthquake, Terrorism, Barbarity, And Hope
Where is God?
Humor: Fred
Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Fred.. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse
and storms out of the club...
Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Fred's funeral will be on Saturday
Kindle Wireless Reading Device, Wi-Fi, 6" Display, Graphite - Latest Generation
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Fred.. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse
and storms out of the club...
Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Fred's funeral will be on Saturday
Kindle Wireless Reading Device, Wi-Fi, 6" Display, Graphite - Latest Generation
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Was George Bush an Idiot?
You think George W. Bush was a idiot here is Barrack H. Obama's record.
If George W. Bush had doubled the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had criticized a state law that he admitted he never even read, would you think that he is just an ignorant hot head?
If George W. Bush joined the country of Mexico and sued a state in the United States to force that state to continue to allow illegal immigration, would you question his patriotism and wonder who's side he was on?
If George W. Bush had put 87000 workers out of work by arbitrarily placing a moratorium on offshore oil drilling on companies that have one of the best safety records of any industry because one company had an accident would you have agreed?
If George W. Bush had used a forged document as the basis of the moratorium that would render 87000 American workers unemployed would you support him?
If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a TelePrompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?
If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had criticized a state law that he admitted he never even read, would you think that he is just an ignorant hot head?
If George W. Bush joined the country of Mexico and sued a state in the United States to force that state to continue to allow illegal immigration, would you question his patriotism and wonder who's side he was on?
If George W. Bush had put 87000 workers out of work by arbitrarily placing a moratorium on offshore oil drilling on companies that have one of the best safety records of any industry because one company had an accident would you have agreed?
If George W. Bush had used a forged document as the basis of the moratorium that would render 87000 American workers unemployed would you support him?
If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a TelePrompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?
If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?
If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the nonexistent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?
If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had stated that there were 57 states in the United States, would you have said that he is clueless?
If George W. Bush would have flown all the way to Denmark to make a five minute speech about how the Olympics would benefit him walking out his front door in Texas, would you have thought he was a self important, conceited, egotistical jerk?
If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?
If George W. Bush had misspelled the word "advice" would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potatoes as proof of what a dunce he is?
If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?
If George W. Bush's administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11?
If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans , would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?
If George W. Bush had created the position of 32 Czars who report directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate on much of what is happening in America, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?
So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can't think of anything? Don't worry. He's done all of this in his first 21 months -- so you'll have 27 more months to come up with an answer, and also add many more items to this list.
Every statement is factual and directly attributable to Barrack Hussein Obama. Every bumble is a matter of public record and completely verifiable.
If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the nonexistent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?
If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had stated that there were 57 states in the United States, would you have said that he is clueless?
If George W. Bush would have flown all the way to Denmark to make a five minute speech about how the Olympics would benefit him walking out his front door in Texas, would you have thought he was a self important, conceited, egotistical jerk?
If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?
If George W. Bush had misspelled the word "advice" would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potatoes as proof of what a dunce he is?
If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?
If George W. Bush's administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11?
If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans , would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?
If George W. Bush had created the position of 32 Czars who report directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate on much of what is happening in America, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?
So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can't think of anything? Don't worry. He's done all of this in his first 21 months -- so you'll have 27 more months to come up with an answer, and also add many more items to this list.
Every statement is factual and directly attributable to Barrack Hussein Obama. Every bumble is a matter of public record and completely verifiable.
6 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift..
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift..
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE SIX MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Humor: Nudist Colony Rules
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!!!'
Search Amazon.com for nudist camps
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!!!'
Search Amazon.com for nudist camps
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Humor: Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down.
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day.
Great job !!
Now have a glass of Wine.
Cardio Exercise Equipment: Discover The Facts! What To Look For In A Cardio Exercise Equipment! AAA+++
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down.
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day.
Great job !!
Now have a glass of Wine.
Cardio Exercise Equipment: Discover The Facts! What To Look For In A Cardio Exercise Equipment! AAA+++
Born and Raised…this is so wrong!!!
Way to go Congress…….I now have even a bigger respect for Arizona !
My name is d'Lynn. I'm a disabled Vietnam vet. I don't look too bad for a beat-up old fart, do I? And that's my ride. She's looking pretty good also, especially when you consider that she'll turn twenty this summer.
That's right, it's a 1990 with a 1990 sidecar. I can't ride a solo bike, ergo the sidecar rig. It's my sole means of transportation - rain or shine, snow or wind, and this summer also marks a milestone in both of our lives, as I will finally be able to pay her off. Twenty years old? What? Why did it take so long? You weren't paying attention, were you? It's right at the beginning of this paragraph.
I am a disabled vet, which means I receive a veterans administration disability pension, which also means "I'm broke!" Just one step ahead of being homeless every month, and that's not an idle statement or an "Oh, woe is me" dire complaint. There's a point to this, so hang in there a minute or two and read on.
There's a 25-year-old illegal immigrant woman living in Florida , with eight kids. Yes, eight "anchor babies" and she receives just shy of $1,500 per month per kid, plus medical, plus food stamps.
Oh, wait. I've been informed that I shouldn't call them Food Stamps anymore. That's not PC. It's all called "Social Assistance" now. You do the math on that yourself. I'd say that she was schooled early in how to make it in the system. Twenty-five years old, eight kids . . . . . yep, she started early.
You can whip out the calculator if you want, but this woman, who never has paid a dime in taxes of any kind, (and still doesn't – she's 'illegal,' remember?) is here in this country illegally. She hasn't paid out one cent in medical for all the "anchor babies," makes more in one month, legally, than I receive in over a year and a half in disability payments and I can't even get food stamps! Oops, I mean "Social Assistance."
Technically I am eligible for "Social Assistance." I was told it would be a walk through – a gimme – being disabled. No problem, and in the very next breath I was also informed that under the law the amount I received in "Social Assistance" would be deducted from my disability pension.
Let's say I take a great photograph. It was just luck, a one of a kind accident, in the right place at the right time shot. My local newspaper offers me fifty bucks to use the photo in a featured story. (I live in a small town and fifty bucks is all they could afford.) I have to report that fifty dollars to the VA as earned income, which will immediately be deducted from my next month's disability check. If I don't report it I'm in violation of federal law and technically they can stop my disability pension and prosecute me under a federal felony. Pretty cool, eh? For fifty bucks.
I see no point in dealing with two federal bureaucracies, so I don't bother. What's the point? She's here illegally and with just one kid would make over twice what I receive per month. She has eight and she's not a stand-out case. She's not alone. That's the way the system works. Millions of illegal immigrants know this, know how the system works and know how to use it. (Haven't you seen the pamphlet? It's handed out all along our borders, "The Illegal Immigrants' Guide to Keeping America Just The Way It Is.") and that's just the way it works.
Did you know that the federal government provides a "refugee" in this country with a monthly "stipend" of $1,890, plus $580 a month in "Social Assistance?" That's $2,470 a month, tax-free. That's two and a half times what I'm allowed to receive as a disabled vet. And just what did they do to earn this? All you have to do is show up on our collective doorstep, raise your right hand and swear that you're a refugee and, bingo, receive $30,000 a year, tax-free. That's more than someone making $15 an hour, and they have to pay taxes to boot!
Now, in defense of the Veterans Administration, they are doing what they can with what they've got. This is precious little compared to what they should have to get the job done. At least this country has a VA.
It's the Senate that keeps passing laws, rules and guidelines, cutting their budget, denying requests for more staff and computer systems to handle the massive work flow. Their hands are tied by the very government that's supposed to give them what they need to get the job done, by the government you voted into office. Don't scream at the VA. I have. It's misguided anger.
The point to this "story?" Just why are you paying such high taxes to support this incredibly screwed-up government? Why? And I'm not proposing you stop paying your taxes. That's wrong. There are good programs and reasons to pay your taxes and support our government.
What am I proposing? It's quite simple. Vote.
The government, our government, is broken and we as the voters serve as the maintenance crew. We fix it . . . . . by voting. If your state Senator has been in office more than two terms, vote 'em out at the next election. If your state representative has been in office more than two terms, vote 'em out of office. We put term limits on just about every publicly-elected official in the country except the House and Senate.
Why? Believe me, they know this and love it! Ahhh - the power!
I don't care how much you believe your Senator or Representative is doing a good job. They're not! Look at the government you have....that we have. How can you state they are doing what you want as the voter that put them there? How?
Vote them out of office. Do it.
Change the course of this country's history by what you are granted and guaranteed under the law. Vote! And if you have the guts, the anger, the outrage, start a petition in your state for a state-wide initiative to be placed on your next state ballot. Limiting the terms of office for your state senators and state representatives to your federal government to two terms. The federal government will never pass such a law, but you can. You can get it done. You can force it. You can make it a law.
This is the first step in "getting it right." Just vote. It's simple. It's easy, dammit!
This first step will send a very clear message. It'll work. It'ill put "us" back in control of "them." As it should be. As it was intended in the first place.
Are you an American? Born and raised? Then vote!
My name is d'Lynn. I'm a disabled Vietnam vet. I don't look too bad for a beat-up old fart, do I? And that's my ride. She's looking pretty good also, especially when you consider that she'll turn twenty this summer.
That's right, it's a 1990 with a 1990 sidecar. I can't ride a solo bike, ergo the sidecar rig. It's my sole means of transportation - rain or shine, snow or wind, and this summer also marks a milestone in both of our lives, as I will finally be able to pay her off. Twenty years old? What? Why did it take so long? You weren't paying attention, were you? It's right at the beginning of this paragraph.
I am a disabled vet, which means I receive a veterans administration disability pension, which also means "I'm broke!" Just one step ahead of being homeless every month, and that's not an idle statement or an "Oh, woe is me" dire complaint. There's a point to this, so hang in there a minute or two and read on.
There's a 25-year-old illegal immigrant woman living in Florida , with eight kids. Yes, eight "anchor babies" and she receives just shy of $1,500 per month per kid, plus medical, plus food stamps.
Oh, wait. I've been informed that I shouldn't call them Food Stamps anymore. That's not PC. It's all called "Social Assistance" now. You do the math on that yourself. I'd say that she was schooled early in how to make it in the system. Twenty-five years old, eight kids . . . . . yep, she started early.
You can whip out the calculator if you want, but this woman, who never has paid a dime in taxes of any kind, (and still doesn't – she's 'illegal,' remember?) is here in this country illegally. She hasn't paid out one cent in medical for all the "anchor babies," makes more in one month, legally, than I receive in over a year and a half in disability payments and I can't even get food stamps! Oops, I mean "Social Assistance."
Technically I am eligible for "Social Assistance." I was told it would be a walk through – a gimme – being disabled. No problem, and in the very next breath I was also informed that under the law the amount I received in "Social Assistance" would be deducted from my disability pension.
Let's say I take a great photograph. It was just luck, a one of a kind accident, in the right place at the right time shot. My local newspaper offers me fifty bucks to use the photo in a featured story. (I live in a small town and fifty bucks is all they could afford.) I have to report that fifty dollars to the VA as earned income, which will immediately be deducted from my next month's disability check. If I don't report it I'm in violation of federal law and technically they can stop my disability pension and prosecute me under a federal felony. Pretty cool, eh? For fifty bucks.
I see no point in dealing with two federal bureaucracies, so I don't bother. What's the point? She's here illegally and with just one kid would make over twice what I receive per month. She has eight and she's not a stand-out case. She's not alone. That's the way the system works. Millions of illegal immigrants know this, know how the system works and know how to use it. (Haven't you seen the pamphlet? It's handed out all along our borders, "The Illegal Immigrants' Guide to Keeping America Just The Way It Is.") and that's just the way it works.
Did you know that the federal government provides a "refugee" in this country with a monthly "stipend" of $1,890, plus $580 a month in "Social Assistance?" That's $2,470 a month, tax-free. That's two and a half times what I'm allowed to receive as a disabled vet. And just what did they do to earn this? All you have to do is show up on our collective doorstep, raise your right hand and swear that you're a refugee and, bingo, receive $30,000 a year, tax-free. That's more than someone making $15 an hour, and they have to pay taxes to boot!
Now, in defense of the Veterans Administration, they are doing what they can with what they've got. This is precious little compared to what they should have to get the job done. At least this country has a VA.
It's the Senate that keeps passing laws, rules and guidelines, cutting their budget, denying requests for more staff and computer systems to handle the massive work flow. Their hands are tied by the very government that's supposed to give them what they need to get the job done, by the government you voted into office. Don't scream at the VA. I have. It's misguided anger.
The point to this "story?" Just why are you paying such high taxes to support this incredibly screwed-up government? Why? And I'm not proposing you stop paying your taxes. That's wrong. There are good programs and reasons to pay your taxes and support our government.
What am I proposing? It's quite simple. Vote.
The government, our government, is broken and we as the voters serve as the maintenance crew. We fix it . . . . . by voting. If your state Senator has been in office more than two terms, vote 'em out at the next election. If your state representative has been in office more than two terms, vote 'em out of office. We put term limits on just about every publicly-elected official in the country except the House and Senate.
Why? Believe me, they know this and love it! Ahhh - the power!
I don't care how much you believe your Senator or Representative is doing a good job. They're not! Look at the government you have....that we have. How can you state they are doing what you want as the voter that put them there? How?
Vote them out of office. Do it.
Change the course of this country's history by what you are granted and guaranteed under the law. Vote! And if you have the guts, the anger, the outrage, start a petition in your state for a state-wide initiative to be placed on your next state ballot. Limiting the terms of office for your state senators and state representatives to your federal government to two terms. The federal government will never pass such a law, but you can. You can get it done. You can force it. You can make it a law.
This is the first step in "getting it right." Just vote. It's simple. It's easy, dammit!
This first step will send a very clear message. It'll work. It'ill put "us" back in control of "them." As it should be. As it was intended in the first place.
Are you an American? Born and raised? Then vote!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Humor: Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a pets mart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, Or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her Hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, Or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her Hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Humor: I'm So Depressed
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Humor: Bad Men's Jokes
Q: What do you call an intelligent , good looking , sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'
Humor: Jokes Against Men
Search Amazon.com for jokes
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room , he shouted to me ,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends , ' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back , ' University of Oklahoma ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...
----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says ,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies ,
'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today , ' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower , 'honey , what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money , ' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord ,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Pat ience for his moods. Because , Lord , if I pray for Strength , I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room , he shouted to me ,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends , ' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back , ' University of Oklahoma ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...
----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says ,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies ,
'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today , ' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower , 'honey , what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money , ' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord ,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Pat ience for his moods. Because , Lord , if I pray for Strength , I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Humor: The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they won't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing , aren't you?)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it's never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
Remember , if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart!
Humor: Redneck Sensitivity Stuff
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Humor: Cuckoo Clock
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Search Amazon.com for cuckoo clock
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Search Amazon.com for cuckoo clock
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Only A Mom Would Know
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Moms are very smart people.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Moms are very smart people.
Cannibal Lunch
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operatedby a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Frank & The Blonde
Frank, a handsome dude,
walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Frank and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Frank said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Frank placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
but willingly handed her $20 to Frank.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Frank replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news,
And so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did too, But didn't think he'd do it again."
Frank took the money...
walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Frank and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Frank said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Frank placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
but willingly handed her $20 to Frank.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Frank replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news,
And so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did too, But didn't think he'd do it again."
Frank took the money...
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