tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56948701514526905612024-03-14T02:17:34.054-07:00Vic's BloggerJust a place for me to post all the jokes and other weird things that I get off of the internet.<br><br>Sorry that I haven't posted in a long time. I kind of lost interest in it for a few years. I'm slowly getting back on track to posting.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-22313125427873138432018-11-03T19:07:00.001-07:002018-11-03T19:07:12.637-07:00Restroom Humor <p dir="ltr"><br>
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."</p>
<p dir="ltr">The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."</p>
<p dir="ltr">The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands."</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-22274295620175771352018-11-03T19:00:00.001-07:002018-11-03T19:00:22.228-07:00Horse Riding <p dir="ltr">An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.</p>
<p dir="ltr">She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-91916109515782473812018-11-03T18:54:00.001-07:002018-11-03T18:54:12.963-07:00Marriage in Heaven<p dir="ltr">On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"</p>
<p dir="ltr">St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-5497101416461328422018-11-03T18:51:00.001-07:002018-11-03T18:52:22.728-07:00Confused<p dir="ltr"><br>
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they <u>want.</u></p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-54865644423675323732018-10-10T13:28:00.001-07:002018-10-10T13:28:54.492-07:00German Beer Commercial<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Good way to sell beer on a slow day</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dx_HSCVE0YNLFr3ND6uCC19W6XqWCNXdBMDVibKhy0yPZKlEkAdmogsR9WK93CE262qQzgrXf5k5Yuq0iKlmQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-63663944697563757412018-10-10T13:23:00.001-07:002018-10-10T13:23:56.989-07:00Kinky Adult Facts<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-8040336183185822162018-10-10T13:18:00.000-07:002018-10-10T13:18:13.245-07:00A funeral in Rugby, North Dakota<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_9Qmxx89v8w/W75d7vvm5uI/AAAAAAAARVs/ZJxZYVhACDUakFAy5dHMOaFG2527joUVQCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/casketboat.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_9Qmxx89v8w/W75d7vvm5uI/AAAAAAAARVs/ZJxZYVhACDUakFAy5dHMOaFG2527joUVQCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/casketboat.png" /></a><br />
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_167025"><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_167024" style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">A
Touching Story</span></span></b><span style="background: white; color: #41444c; font-family: "Helvetica", sans-serif; font-size: 24pt;"><br /></span><span style="background: white; color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_167035" style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kind
of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery.</span><span style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<span style="color: #12c00e; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><span style="color: #12c00e; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_167037" style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">A
funeral procession pulled in</span><span style="color: #26282a; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">to
Presella Watts C</span><span style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">emetery.</span><span style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<span style="color: #12c00e; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><span style="color: #12c00e; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></div>
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<div class="yiv8255667325MsoNormal" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_166207" style="background: #f7f7f7;">
<span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_166206" style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Several
car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin
in it.</span><span style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<span style="color: #12c00e; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><span style="color: #12c00e; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></div>
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<div class="yiv8255667325MsoNormal" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_167028" style="background: #f7f7f7;">
<span id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_167031" style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">A
passer-by remarked, <b id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1539085455100_167030">"That guy must
have been a very avid fisherman."</b></span><span style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<span style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #41444c; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Oh,
he still is," remarked one of the mourners. <b>"As a matter of fact, he's headed
off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."</b></span><span style="color: #41444c; font-family: "Helvetica", sans-serif; font-size: 18pt;"></span></div>
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<div class="yiv8255667325MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="yiv8255667325MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-64641769582044275782018-09-09T20:30:00.001-07:002018-09-09T20:30:14.174-07:00The New Priest <p dir="ltr">The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I <u>understand</u>. </p>
<p dir="ltr">How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-17284953521167609802018-09-09T20:24:00.001-07:002018-09-09T20:24:05.033-07:00Priest on Vacation Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.
The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."
"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-15276470934804903442018-09-09T19:56:00.001-07:002018-09-09T19:56:49.165-07:00Pillsbury Doughboy Passes Away<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-TjagdA9Q0UU/W5Xdb5uUuOI/AAAAAAAARKs/vyg4IB1pU3krYZ3-Vt2hIGIMEPG7vAE4ACHMYCw/s1600/FB_IMG_1536548119675.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-TjagdA9Q0UU/W5Xdb5uUuOI/AAAAAAAARKs/vyg4IB1pU3krYZ3-Vt2hIGIMEPG7vAE4ACHMYCw/s640/FB_IMG_1536548119675.jpg"> </a> </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-46173888448059530352018-09-06T14:05:00.001-07:002018-09-06T14:05:37.767-07:00Burt Reynolds, "Smokey and the Bandit" star, dead at 82<a href="http://meredith.worldnow.com/story/39040853/actor-burt-reynolds-has-died-at-82#.W5GWbB7hfrc.blogger">Burt Reynolds, "Smokey and the Bandit" star, dead at 82</a>: Iconic actor Burt Reynolds has died at the age of 82.<br />
<br />
He was a great actor and will be missed, R.I.P. Burt<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-66218560683843186792015-09-04T19:00:00.001-07:002015-09-04T19:00:55.734-07:00Kim Davis <p dir="ltr">Kim Davis, the elected clerk in Rowan County, Kentucky has closets full of skeletons. <br>
She should practice what she preaches. <br>
#KimDavis #RowanCounty #Kentucky #BITCH  #HYPOCRITE</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HNtu_hH_LAA/VepMyxEB8QI/AAAAAAAAFBI/JMNrnCOkd5M/s1600/davis-timeline.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HNtu_hH_LAA/VepMyxEB8QI/AAAAAAAAFBI/JMNrnCOkd5M/s640/davis-timeline.jpg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-6NpVi2ubT4A/VepMzWCwocI/AAAAAAAAFBM/ppugAWiKpRE/s1600/11988242_10153442257941348_729843231963917186_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-6NpVi2ubT4A/VepMzWCwocI/AAAAAAAAFBM/ppugAWiKpRE/s640/11988242_10153442257941348_729843231963917186_n.jpg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-LBEINugOnzs/VepMz5G26nI/AAAAAAAAFBY/Bl-UbRFAMy8/s1600/Kim-Davis-3-300x261.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-LBEINugOnzs/VepMz5G26nI/AAAAAAAAFBY/Bl-UbRFAMy8/s640/Kim-Davis-3-300x261.png"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-b8OYnhFYV8U/VepM0vnPEbI/AAAAAAAAFBg/uG9ap_M5iBs/s1600/Kathy-bates.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-b8OYnhFYV8U/VepM0vnPEbI/AAAAAAAAFBg/uG9ap_M5iBs/s640/Kathy-bates.jpg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-VURncix1j6Q/VepM1bU7SYI/AAAAAAAAFBk/a8DxRml7v0o/s1600/kim-davis-married-four-times-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-VURncix1j6Q/VepM1bU7SYI/AAAAAAAAFBk/a8DxRml7v0o/s640/kim-davis-married-four-times-meme.jpg"> </a> </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-84784805449982951622015-09-04T18:58:00.001-07:002015-09-04T18:58:22.440-07:00Kim Davis <p dir="ltr">https://youtu.be/EO_5WduGeuc</p>
<p dir="ltr">Kim Davis, the elected clerk in Rowan County, Kentucky has closets full of skeletons. <br>
She should practice what she preaches. <br>
#KimDavis #RowanCounty #Kentucky #BITCH  #HYPOCRITE</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-68966435485515564422015-06-25T13:59:00.001-07:002015-06-25T13:59:14.674-07:00If you hate your job<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-uuBHHsacy98/VYxroEbD7FI/AAAAAAAAE4Y/kSChnzwN1-A/s1600/https%2525253A%2525252F%2525252F41.media.tumblr.com%2525252Fe66cd80248352685aaf4c67c1b109cc9%2525252Ftumblr_nqiq5kfINx1qeiuomo1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-uuBHHsacy98/VYxroEbD7FI/AAAAAAAAE4Y/kSChnzwN1-A/s640/https%2525253A%2525252F%2525252F41.media.tumblr.com%2525252Fe66cd80248352685aaf4c67c1b109cc9%2525252Ftumblr_nqiq5kfINx1qeiuomo1_1280.jpg"> </a> </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-35281780968597051542015-06-25T13:40:00.001-07:002015-06-25T13:40:53.080-07:00Labels <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ZsV2irUL5V0/VYxnU2-voMI/AAAAAAAAE4I/aEqx-LdvqmU/s1600/IMG_15106306233220.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ZsV2irUL5V0/VYxnU2-voMI/AAAAAAAAE4I/aEqx-LdvqmU/s640/IMG_15106306233220.jpeg"> </a> </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-73656676961971299382015-05-21T17:34:00.001-07:002015-05-21T17:34:30.271-07:00Three Pastors <p dir="ltr">Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away." The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away." With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-79585622777650546102015-05-21T17:30:00.001-07:002015-05-21T17:30:15.323-07:00The New Jersey Hunter<p dir="ltr">A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"</p>
<p dir="ltr">The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."</p>
<p dir="ltr">There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-46823641797749070512015-05-21T17:27:00.001-07:002015-05-21T17:27:44.938-07:00The Test<p dir="ltr">A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." </p>
<p dir="ltr">So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?"</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-27410861714534283022015-05-21T17:23:00.001-07:002015-05-21T17:24:02.564-07:00The 10 Best Caddy Replies<p dir="ltr"><br>
Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.<br>
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.<br>
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?<br>
Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?<br>
Caddy: Eventually.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.<br>
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction.<br>
Caddy: It's not a watch : it's a compass.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Golfer: How do you like my game?<br>
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?<br>
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.<br>
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Best Caddy Comment<br>
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.<br>
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-35202569370965402492014-11-17T15:04:00.001-07:002014-11-17T15:04:06.978-07:00forever 80's rmx 2013 by frank dj mix<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/iGMiwYZu0mA" width="480"></iframe>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-84472209527853861812014-08-16T15:20:00.001-07:002014-08-16T15:20:47.408-07:00Riding With A Friend<p dir="ltr">I was recently riding with a friend of mine. </p>
<p dir="ltr">We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to a green light, and he slams on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!" He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-32031637025667221362014-08-16T15:15:00.001-07:002014-08-16T15:15:04.709-07:00Doctor or Bartender<p dir="ltr">Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" </p>
<p dir="ltr">"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-49835000857648917442014-08-16T15:10:00.001-07:002014-08-16T15:10:26.664-07:00HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN<p dir="ltr">Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked ... with beer.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-30582125124437435522014-08-16T15:07:00.001-07:002014-08-16T15:07:23.548-07:00Stranded on an island<p dir="ltr">One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean Cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.</p>
<p dir="ltr">After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.</p>
<p dir="ltr">In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"</p>
<p dir="ltr">She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."</p>
<p dir="ltr">"But, where did you get the tools?"</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."</p>
<p dir="ltr">The guy is stunned.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.</p>
<p dir="ltr">While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Would you like a drink?"</p>
<p dir="ltr">"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"</p>
<p dir="ltr">Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."</p>
<p dir="ltr">No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"</p>
<p dir="ltr">When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He can't believe what he's hearing, "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,<br>
"You've built a Golf Course too?" </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694870151452690561.post-6012432957415268142014-08-16T14:58:00.001-07:002014-08-16T14:58:31.835-07:00Little Johnny - 7 Holes In 1<p dir="ltr">Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little Zero. This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole."</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!" </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07700222692071962527noreply@blogger.com0