Thursday, May 21, 2015

Three Pastors

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away." The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away." With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"

The New Jersey Hunter

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

The Test

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?"

The 10 Best Caddy Replies


Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually.

Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.

Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch : it's a compass.

Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

Best Caddy Comment
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Please help if you can

 

Please if you love this site help me in anyway that you can.  I have a few medical problems one which is a bad bone disease that has cause me to have four joint replacements so far.

The last joint replacement was on October 9, 2014 were I had to have my entire right shoulder replaced.  I live solely on Social Security and I don't get very much each month.  I'm on Medicare however it only pays 80% of medical bills.  I have never done anything like this before and it hurts to have to ask total strangers for help.  Physical Therapy is going to cost me $440.00 per month, that's almost half of my social security per month.  Today November 7, 2014 is the last day for me to go to therapy , unless I'm able to get some help.  I can't afford it but I need to go so I can get my arm working again.

Any amount that you can help me with will be very appreciated.  And it would be great if you can share my fund raising event on your social sites (facebook, tumblr, twitter, blog, website, etc.).

Thank you very much.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Riding With A Friend

I was recently riding with a friend of mine.

We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to a green light, and he slams on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!" He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."

Doctor or Bartender

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"