Tuesday, July 8, 2014

What's Sex

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"

"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.

Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"

And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...

The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Archery Contest

Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position. He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.

Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM....... ROBIN HOOD!!!

The crowd cheers!

The second archer with a cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!

He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!

The crowd cheers!!!

Finally, a third man in cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!! It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!

Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!!!

Sex and Lawyers

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Grandpa and his grandson

A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "No!"

"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather. A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!" "Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather. About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!" "Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Idiot and Computer

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over ...
John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear 20 stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Friendly Advice

From the doctor's mouth...
It's Winter, the Flu season is here, a friendly advice for all my mates: 'Alcohol Kills Germs!' So...
Let's walk to the pub (Exercise)
Put lime in the Vodka (Vitamin C)
Use Celery in the Bloody Mary (Veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio (Fresh air)
Tell rude jokes & laugh (Eliminate stress)
Then finally Pass out (Rest)
The way I see it: A shot in the GLASS is better than one in the ASS...

Monday, November 25, 2013

Just Married

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you.

Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.

Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."