Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Magic Penis!

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis...? my ass!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

What gender is computer?

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Unique Dildo!

A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

Salesman answers, "$35."

Blonde: "How much for the black one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
Salesman: "$35."

Black Woman: "How much for the white one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

Black Woman: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

Blonde: "Hmmmmm..., how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."

Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."

Daring Husband

A famous inspirational speaker said:

"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."

Audience was in shock and silence.

He added: "She was my mother."
(A big round of applause & laughter)

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"

Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker...
.
.
.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!

Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't Paste.

Sex Lives

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"

The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

Lumpy Farts!!!

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."

Second little boy, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK, then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."

Walmart Greeter

One day I got hired to be a walmart greeter. I was doing a fine job until a women with her two kids came in.

This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.

I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"

She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"

I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."

That was my first and last day being a walmart greeter.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Difference Between Women with Small or Large Breasts

Women with big breasts...
...can get a taxi on the worst days.
...have a neat place to carry spare change.
...have always been the centre of the arts (art).
...make jogging a spectator sport.
...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub.
...always float better.
...know where to look first for lost earrings.
...rarely lack for a slow dance partner.
...have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner.

Women with small breasts...
...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public.
...always look younger.
...find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap.
...can always see their toes and shoes.
...can sleep on their stomachs.
...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars.
...know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts.
...know that everything more than a handful is wasted.
...can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle.

Who needs a partner?

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room.
He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on.
"Playing cards," she replies.
"Who's your partner?" asked little johnny.
"Your father!"
Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room.
Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing.
"Playing cards."
"With who?" he asks.
"My boyfriend!" she says.
A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room.
He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?"
"Playing cards!" replied Johnny.
"Who's your partner?" asked his father.
Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

Translating Women's English!

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.


TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.

Types of Orgasm!

There Are At Least eight types of orgasm for a woman.
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes...
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No...
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No...
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming...
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God...
6. The User - Ahh, More, More, More...
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...
8. The Submariner - Mmm...Ohhh...Deeper...Deeper... Go Deeper!

Advanced Placement

Harry, a first-grader, demanded that his teacher be available for a "meeting" after school.

At the appointed time, the teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher, hearing this before, had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 times 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 times 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Not so fast. Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal looked visibly shaken.)

Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was ready.)

Harry: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I?' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (The principal is looking more and more amazed.)

Harry: "Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth grade, I got the last few questions wrong myself."