Spaghetti Night

Cute video of a dog being feed by his bird friend.

Humor: Lie Detector

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What!? When I was your age I didn't know
what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs
"HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom.

Humor: Food For Thought

 

Ponderisms   Can you cry under water?   How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?   Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?   Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have?     How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?     Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?     If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?   Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?     Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?     Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.     Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?     Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?     If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?     Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?     If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?     Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!     If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?     If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?     If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?     Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?     Why did you just try singing the two songs above?     Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?     Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?     Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Humor: Eight Thoughts to Ponder

Number 8  Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6   Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny.  If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

 

In a Texas Kindergarten

A Texas lad rushed home from kindergarten class and insisted his mother buy him a set of pencils, holsters, and a gun belt.

 

"Whatever for, dear?" his mother asked.  "You're not going to tell me you need them for school?"

 

"Yes, I do," he replied. "Teacher said that tomorrow she's going to teach us how to draw."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Humor: Ideal Fishing Boat for Men

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

One person can make a difference.  You just have to be willing to take the first step.

Humor: Bus trip

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana .
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

 
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

 

'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER'

Humor: Shampoo vs. Dawn

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

HUMOR: Packed Bag

 

As the bus pulled away, Janet realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found her bag. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her.

 

One of the men handed over her pocketbook, two typewritten pages, and a box containing the contents of Janet's purse.

 

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

 

As she started to put her belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything back into your purse... and we'd like to see just how you do it."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ron Paul, Chris Wallace Need AIDS Education - Oriol R. Gutierrez Jr.

Ron Paul, Chris Wallace Need AIDS Education - Oriol R. Gutierrez Jr.

In his 1987 book Freedom Under Siege, current Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Representative Ron Paul (D-Texas) wrote this about people with AIDS: "The individual suffering from AIDS is certainly a victim, frequently a victim of his own lifestyle, but this same individual victimizes individual citizens by forcing them to pay for his care."

In a January 1 interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News, Paul was asked if he still supported that position and basically said yes. Wallace then asked him if people with AIDS should be denied health insurance. Paul said no, but he directly implied that people with AIDS should pay more for their health insurance.

CLICK THE LINK ABOVE TO READ THE ENTIRE ARTICLE.

Divine Advice

A man goes to see his priest.....

"Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The priest asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The priest then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her.  I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the priest calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.  I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said, "yes".

The priest replied, "Take the poison."

Humor: Football and Confession

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.

At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat."

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark."

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

Humor: A stick and a stone

The legend is told in India about a stick and a stone that were of some small service to a Hindu holy man. Out of gratitude he offered to transform them into any object they desired.

The solid stone wanted to be a strongbox or safe to hold the holy man's sacred relics. The vain stick indicated it wanted to become a Hindu woman's beautiful gown or sari.

Thus it came to pass: the stone became a strongbox and the stick became a sari. The night after the transformation, a terrible fire ravaged the village, burning down every house.

The holy man's hut was destroyed and along with it the beautiful sari. The safe was the only thing that survived.

Moral: It's better to be safe than sari.

(Yeah, I know…)

Humor: When Hallmark has a bad day

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....



My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...
' What the Hell was I thinking '

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you..

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday!

You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

Humor: Where is GOD?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.  So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!  Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

PLEASE DON'T LAUGH ALONE. PASS IT ON!


Where Is God?: Finding His Presence, Purpose and Power in Difficult Times
Where Is God When It Hurts?
Where Is God?: Earthquake, Terrorism, Barbarity, And Hope
Where is God?