Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Idiot and Computer

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over ...
John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear 20 stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Friendly Advice

From the doctor's mouth...
It's Winter, the Flu season is here, a friendly advice for all my mates: 'Alcohol Kills Germs!' So...
Let's walk to the pub (Exercise)
Put lime in the Vodka (Vitamin C)
Use Celery in the Bloody Mary (Veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio (Fresh air)
Tell rude jokes & laugh (Eliminate stress)
Then finally Pass out (Rest)
The way I see it: A shot in the GLASS is better than one in the ASS...

Monday, November 25, 2013

Just Married

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you.

Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.

Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

Old Crush

A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Me Sick

Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"

Friday, November 22, 2013

Her Facelift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."

"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The check up

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well ..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."