Restroom Humor

Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands."

Horse Riding

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Confused

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

German Beer Commercial

Good way to sell beer on a slow day

Kinky Adult Facts

A funeral in Rugby, North Dakota

A Touching Story

Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery.

 

A funeral procession pulled into Presella Watts Cemetery.

 

Several car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

 

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."

 

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. "As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

 

The New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand.

How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"

Priest on Vacation

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach. They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by. The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers." "Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?" The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

Pillsbury Doughboy Passes Away

Burt Reynolds, "Smokey and the Bandit" star, dead at 82

Burt Reynolds, "Smokey and the Bandit" star, dead at 82: Iconic actor Burt Reynolds has died at the age of 82.

He was a great actor and will be missed, R.I.P. Burt

Kim Davis

Kim Davis, the elected clerk in Rowan County, Kentucky has closets full of skeletons.
She should practice what she preaches.
#KimDavis #RowanCounty #Kentucky #BITCH  #HYPOCRITE

Kim Davis

https://youtu.be/EO_5WduGeuc

Kim Davis, the elected clerk in Rowan County, Kentucky has closets full of skeletons.
She should practice what she preaches.
#KimDavis #RowanCounty #Kentucky #BITCH  #HYPOCRITE

If you hate your job

Labels

Three Pastors

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away." The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away." With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"

The New Jersey Hunter

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

The Test

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?"

The 10 Best Caddy Replies

Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually.

Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.

Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch : it's a compass.

Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

Best Caddy Comment
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

forever 80's rmx 2013 by frank dj mix