Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Humor: Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a pets mart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's  on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, Or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her Hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Humor: I'm So Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan .  I told them I was suicidal

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Humor: Bad Men's Jokes

Q: What do you call an intelligent , good looking , sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'

Humor: Jokes Against Men

Search Amazon.com for jokes

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room , he shouted to me ,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends , ' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back , ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb...

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A couple is lying in bed.
The man says ,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies ,
'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today , ' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower , 'honey , what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money , ' she replied.

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Dear Lord ,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Pat ience for his moods. Because , Lord , if I pray for Strength , I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Humor: The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

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2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

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3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they won't stop to ask directions)

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4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

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 (You're laughing , aren't you?)

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5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

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6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

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7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it's never happened)

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8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

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Remember , if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart!

Search Amazon.com for SEX

Humor: Redneck Sensitivity Stuff

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Humor: Cuckoo Clock

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Search Amazon.com for cuckoo clock